Hard of Understanding

I rant on about things, and it doesn't take a lot to wind me up.

A complaint becomes part of everyday life when I'm not satisfied with something (which I'm usually paying a lot of money for.) But I dont think that I will ever be able to top the spite, vitriol and sheer frustration that has motivated the following letter to - the now defunct - NTL

It is a pleasure and delight to read!!!

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

Ah, so the King of backwater, 3rd rate, digital only chat shows has called for the King of British light entertainment to resign.

Listen, sunbeam; IF you were a force to be reckoned with in the entertainment industry then someone may take seriously your claim.

But as the sidekick to the buck toothed, effeminate stand up comedian who has achieved the dubious honour of being one of the only people to get slammed by critics who thought that your chat show on one of ITV's off shoot channels was even worse than everyone expected, (you managed to make Horne and Corden shining beacons of comedy,) your words and gestures carry all the impact of a fart in a hurricane.

Now trot back off to obscurity.

I'm not known for holding back when I get "on one" about something, somehting that any company that supplies me with a service knows full well (in particular nPower and BT.)

So, when my internet kept failing on Saturday night I got that immediate sinking feeling, especially when I checked the phoneline and could only hear crackling.

So, phonecall to the faultline and the first surprise was actually getting through to a person, I thought it would be an automated service....... or closed for the weekend.

The operative understood the problem straight away, though it would have been difficult for him not to as we could barely hear each other for the interference(!) and rang me back on my mobile so that he could check the line,

"There's no fault on our equipment into the premises, though it is coming up that there appears to be a fault on the master socket in your house."

"Right, can I fix that?"

"Er, no. It requires an engineer's visit."

Great, an engineer. A three week wait and even then he probably won't turn up,

"Are you available on Monday morning?" was his next question without missing a beat.

"Mond..... what, THIS Monday?"

"Yes sir, this Monday."

"Actually, no sorry I'm not. The best I can offer is Thursday." Great, so now I'm letting THEM down!

"Great, I'll put you down for the first appointment of the day."

"Right, er thanks!"

So there we have it, evidence that my telecoms provider CAN provide a first class service when it comes to fixing a fault without tears and scrapping. Well done BT (I never thought I'd hear myself uttering those words!)

As many of us already know, Richard Branson has a sense of humour.

This was confirmed to me the other day when I saw on of his trains pulling out Manchester station.

Now, you may also know that many trains carry names. This one was no exception, and being Virgin Trains the prefix was, "Virgin."

And the full name of the train?

Virgin Invader

Priceless!

Generally there are a few things in the paper (my paper of choice is The Times) that stick in mind throughout the day. Today was a weird one though.

First up, Keith Floyd and may he rest in peace.

But the thing that's stuck in my mind most today and really niggling me is this,

It is an advert that BAe Systems put fairly close to the front (it was still the Home News section I think) and has left me wondering what its motivation was to do so.

I mean, it isn't directly selling anything, it simply looks to be telling us what its contribution to the UK economy is, and let's face it if Tesco put an advert out telling us that then no one would actually care (except for the Taxman and Treasury.)

So, it is a message........ a polite if you will. But who for? And let's not forget that this comes 24 hours after some pretty big news stories relating to both Defence and BAe.

The government who are beginning to wobble on defence expenditure, the tories who are threatening HUGE defence cuts or us the public so that we don't badmouth them over yesterday's announcement of 1600 job losses.

Who knows?

UPDATE: 01/10/2009 13:43 BST

Well, certainly found what they were up to and it is brilliant - see here

So, Prez Obama has been quizzing embattled PM Brown about the release of Adelbaset Ali al-Megrahi and voicing his discontent at the release.

I mean, of course it is to be expected that he's going to not agree to the release of terminally ill Megrahi so that he can die in a hospital, that's not the American way.

Oh, and as you want to make such a high profile gesture, how's the Healthcare Reforms coming on, have you got what you wanted?????

If not, might I humbly suggest that you stick to the more pressing matters that will actually make a difference rather than pandering to the trigger happy, ignorant majority?

Is it just me or everytime you hear the Americans going on about the "American Dream" flashbacks to Thatcher's Britain come straight to the front of mind?

Which lunatic sadist has put caramel in Wispas?

And then announced that they are available for a limited period only!

This sort of cruelty ought to be illegal!

So, Kraft have made an offer to buy Cadbury. And to sweeten the offer - pardon the pun - to us all as consumers (as well as the stakeholders and shareholders) they have said that if they are successful in buying the firm then they wouldn't close a factory in Bristol that Cadbury has earmarked for closure as part of a rationalisation project.

But can these words be taken seriously?

It all sounds fantastic and to the workers in Bristol this potential action by the American firm (founded in 1904 as a cheese wholesaler and bought by Philip Morris in the '80s) sounds like the lifeline that they need right now.

But, let's look to another of the Kraft brands and to one of our Northern cities, York. I am, of course, talking about Terry's Chocolate Orange. Produced in that Roman city for many many years only to have the factory closed recently and all production moved to Poland, to cut costs.

So, Kraft would invest in Bournville and keep the Bristol factory open? Maybe. But what would they do to offset this investment?

You know had people go through periods of showing their age? You know what I mean, when statements like, "If I'd had this when I was younger then........."

Well, it's my turn. And I'm going to share with you two things that I REALLY should have had when I was a teenager.

These things aren't the latest technological advance or socio-political situations. The 2 things that I have recently seen and really wish I'd had when I was growing up are actually pieces of advice. Not the stuff your dad says after a couple of pints, we aren't talking "tap room philosophy" I mean simple, impartial, USEFUL advice.

First up (and I've briefly touched on this a while back) is the Haynes Manual of Sex. This is something I bought out of sheer curiosity a couple of years ago and was absolutely astounded by just how good it is.

It is laid out almost in the way that any other Haynes Manual is, and answers pretty much all of the questions that I had as a teeneager but; a) Was in NO WAY going to ask my parents and b) [quite rightly] would not trust a single one of my peer group to know themselves (even though there was always that one or two who insisted that THEY knew and spouted absolute rubbish.)

As a sex ed guide, with the embarrassing chats with your parents and the usual giggling through the school's attempt, this book is quite simply essential reading for any teenager. I'll be keeping my copy ready for when my offspring hit that awkward age and cannot tell you how much YOU will appreciate having it for yours!

Secondly is the off shoot of a television project. Many of you may have heard of Martin Lewis from MoneySavingExpert.com, which is a site which has saved me a HUGE amount of money and is surely up there on the list of "essential in your bookmarks" list.

He was asked by Tonight (the watered down World in Action) to turn a class of kids into "junior Money Saving Experts" So he put together a teaching pack and did his bit for the nation's entertainment.

After the lesson was televised they went back to see how they were getting on at home, and found that the 12 kids had saved their families over £5000 by implementing some of the lessons.

And, this session has been made available for anyone online to use for either teaching kids about money, or even themselves.

Seriously, don't take my word for it............. Actually, DO take my word for it, but also see for yourself. If you have teenagers then these guides are indispensible,. If you don't have teenagers????? These guides are still indispensible!

Simple, yet simply brilliant............... that's how everything should be!!!!

Out of idle curiosity I tried to get onto Metrolink's site to see how easy my wife would be able to get to Salford Quays tonight.

It redirected me to a "404" page for GMG (Guardian Media Group) Regional Media. Thinking it may be a fault with my browser I tried again using a different browser. Also failed.

So, I tried to get onto gmpte.com, and IT also redirected to a GMG 404 page.

If it transpires that the Greater Manchester Passenger Transport Authority's websites are being hosted on Manchester's dominant commercial media agency's servers (gratis or otherwise) then I'll become a little more than concerned about impartiality on the part of both GMPTE in reporting its news and GMG in how it presents it.

Why is it that you can easily unpack a brand new camera (or anything else electronic) but there's no way on this planet that you can get it back in its box again?